A to Z

  
Before you judge my backwards title, think about what should come first.

The ultimate sacrifice; working. Why is this the ultimate sacrifice? Because I am missing moments now, to build a solid future for my kids. Saving up money for them so they have the resources to be whatever they want to become. What a sucky model for a Mommy and her kids, to haphazardly mottle my way through the present, for the future; it’s dumb.

Frustrating is an understatement. I know I have so much more to offer my kids, my husband, my family–right now.

This obsession with promoting work-life balance is really a farce, at least in my situation. First of all, let’s switch it around and get our priorities straight. Shouldn’t it be, life-work balance? Let’s put the more important of the 2–first, not second. My new mantra, life-work balance–my choice to change it up.

In lieu of the shit hitting the fan at work these days, I have to flip flop my priorities or I am really going to come undone and be worthless to everyone, including myself. So, this is my plan. I am putting the following into action. If I fail, I’ll try again. It’s not easy. But, the reward is worth the sacrifice. To live in the now, more holistically with my kids, with my family; that is my everything. Here’s the plan. We’ll see how it goes. My promise is to not be too critical and hard on myself if I fall short.

1. iPhone detox; less time spent browsing and scrolling through news feeds and Pinterest. More time playing with my kids.

2. Exercise; join a gym that will benefit my entire family. One with child care where the kids can play, while Mommy and Daddy take care of our health.

3. Slow the fuck down; there is no reason to do every social thing that crosses my path.

4. Stop trying to clean and organize; this is a pointless activity to obsess over and should not be a top concern because about 5 minutes after feeling accomplished, the house is just a mess all over again.

5. Let it go; yes Elsa actually knows where it’s at. But don’t worry, I won’t be freezing my family. Let it go. I cannot control everything and if I don’t let it go, my anxiety will sky-rocket.

6. Snuggle more; spend more time snuggling with my kids and husband. It’s therapeutic for everybody.

7. Stay in touch; while it seems like an impossibility to keep in touch with my friends. I can at least call to chat, even if it is just 5 minutes.

8. Pamper myself; this one sounds selfish, but, taking care of myself, everyone will benefit from it because I will feel better about myself. Also, pretty sure my husband appreciates when I don’t look like a hobo.

9. Family day; devote one weekend day to a family outing or activity of some sort. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. A day, together. We don’t have enough of them being the majority of days are spent working.

10. Interactive activity; a craft, playing outside, building a fort, painting. Some simple, basic activity that equates to quality time with my kids.

They are only little once. They are only the age they are, once. I want to enjoy them–now. I want to reclaim my family’s quality time through actions promoting life-work balance, and it starts, now.

  
In poker when you lose all your chips you bust. My son did that today during circle time at his My Gym class, with his colossal tantrum.

Now, as a Mommy of a 2 year old, tantrums come with the territory. The kicker is when you are in a nice, quiet class, where all the other little kids are intently listening to the teacher and sitting with their Mommies and you don’t really see the meltdown coming. As soon as I sit down, he is screaming like I am torturing him and writhing around on the floor; trying to escape the confines of circle time. I am sweating and trying to calm him while the onlooking parents’ stares bore into me. I try not to look up; feeling it is enough.

My favorite moment was the little kid next to us. He is staring at Spence, in awe. I reassure the little onlooker not to worry, my kid is ok. Like my words really meant anything to him, as he stared with his mouth gaping open. It felt like a necessary explanation.

The assistant teacher comes over and quietly whispers that this is normal and to sit it out. Not what I wanted to hear. I just want to crawl into the nearby ball pit and hide. I did contemplate leaving, multiple times. I did second guess my decision to enroll him in the class. But, we stayed. We survived 10 minutes of circle time, torture, which felt like much, much longer. We were then rewarded with the next part of the class to enjoy jumping on the trampoline and running around.

I remain hopeful that circle time will be better for us both, the next time. Nothing comes easy with parenting, so we will keep trying. If we fail, at least Spence can enjoy jumping around in the kid gym. And for me, maybe I will go to my gym to sweat out the anxiety from the day–maybe.